You sure 'bout that?

                         

Important announcement to my faithful readers (all four of them): I'm employed again. My last gig was, shall we say, seasonal employment with a company that lots of people get packages from. That was January and since then I've been living on Social Security. There used to be two Social Security recipients in the house, but now there's just me, so extra income was needed. I had a pretty good idea of the type of work I wanted to do, and as of tomorrow, I'll be working for, well, let's call it a big-box store. This is pretty exciting.

So, right after I finished the nuts & bolts part of the interview, where they get my consent to run a background check, etc., the man behind the desk said "Okay, so, if you want, we start orientation tomorrow at, oh, let's say 4:00 p.m. That work for you?"

Um...yeah... I mean, you tell me, okay dude? Or should I test this and see if Orientation Dude feels like waiting for me to stroll in at 7:00 p.m.? I mean, what the...?

I know I have a tendency to process things too literally at times. So it brings me up short when people say this type of thing to me. What did he mean by "if you want," "let's say 4:00 p.m." and "That work for you?" I certainly hope they know when orientation is. I very much doubt they intend to leave that up to me. I've heard of "choose your own adventure" but rarely "make your own schedule." Even when I worked for the Census Bureau last year and it didn't really matter what time I knocked on someone's door, there were guidelines regarding how early I should start and how late I should wrap up. You're the employer (that's why you're also known as The Boss), so boss me, already! Tell me what time to show up. If I have some serious problem with 4:00 tomorrow I certainly know how to say that, and I suppose there might be orientation at 10:00 a.m. or 4:00 the next day, or whatever, but the assumption is, their orientation is at 4:00 tomorrow and I am expected to be there at that time. It's really okay to tell someone what you want -- no, the correct term is require -- and asking doesn't really mean anything. If someone is so fragile or self-possessed as to say "Hey! I'll show up whenever I damn well please. Don't you tell me when I'm supposed to be there!" then I suppose that gives an employer some valuable clues about the person they've just decided to hire. And yes! There are (plenty of) employees who have exactly that attitude. But really, most of us 'umble workers are pretty pliable. Things in the work world have changed for the better since the 18th century, but in general, you say "Jump" and we ask "How high?"

There are a lot of people like me -- we know what this too-gentle verbiage really means, but part of our brain hears the exact words, and for half a second or so, we start thinking along those lines. Is 4:00 tomorrow good for me? Then I shake myself internally and think "He's telling you to show up tomorrow at 4:00, fool. End of discussion." 

Another example of this is a long-ago job, working with an exceptionally sweet and gentle woman. I have reasonably good manners, but compared to this lady, I was like Anne Ramsey in "Throw Momma From the Train." My boss's name was Grace. One day I was working on something with my usual concentration (which means "I'm busy; don't bother me"), when Grace said "I'm going to need you to pull all the personnel files from the last five years and check a particular detail in payroll." Now, truthfully, I don't remember the exact thing she said for me to do. What I do remember, clearly, because it got me in trouble, was the phrase "I'm going to need you to..." Going to.  Future tense. Which meant (to my literal brain) not right this second. I responded with "Okay." I understood fully what the assignment was. But because I didn't want to interrupt my work and switch over to doing something else, those two words "going to" said to me "You can do it later today, or maybe tomorrow, but you don't have to do it right this second." The only problem was, Grace did want me to get going on it right that second. She just didn't know how to say it without sounding (to her ears) bossy. She didn't have any kids -- most parents learn very, very early that when you give a kid an order, they are most likely to put you off with "okay, in a minute," which means next month, so you have to speak very clearly, which means yell, "Right now!" But Grace didn't know how to do that. Grace sat for a moment (I sensed her looking in my direction but I was still hyper-focused on my current task); then she let out a long-suffering sigh and began pulling files herself. Fortunately, she soon got interrupted and left the room. That's when reality kicked in and I got that she needed the files right now, so I stopped what I was doing, pulled the files she needed and placed them on her desk, so they were there when she came back, probably thinking she'd just have to finish the job herself. I was glad to have been able to help her, but I also remember she didn't thank me or say anything else about it, because most likely she was still furious at me for having essentially ignored her request.

All she had to say was "Vol-E, whatever you're working on, I need you to pause it right now because something very urgent has come up." That's about as polite as she ever should have gotten -- she could have left out "I need you to." A better approach would have been "Vol-E, something very urgent just came up, so here's your assignment for right now. Whatever you're doing can wait."  This is a far cry from "Listen, you lazy, worthless scum: If you want to keep this job, get off your fat ass and pull some files." But I think pop culture has given us the impression that all bosses are heartless sadists, so modern-day supervisors and managers are always looking for the most tactful, accommodating language with which to give an order. Women and men both do it. Yes, one of my favorite sayings is "It's nice to be important, but it's more important to be nice." That means, be a human being. But human beings have an advantage over the rest of the animal kingdom: We have words. Very, very specific words that cover nearly every conceivable situation. And a person who is old enough to be in the workplace (which assumes Mommy didn't drop them off at the front door) can deal with a supervisor giving them definite parameters for working hours, task descriptions, rules, dress codes, and so much more. Yes, many people can't stand to take orders from anyone, so they start their own business. But in a situation where a particular action or behavior is called for, say it clearly. 

And that's an order!






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